making our writing better

Our friend Lynette had a story that was just telling us instead of showing us

This is her writting

On a Saturday night with a beautiful sunset me and my friend paulah went to go swim with some West Indian Manatee. First we put on our swimming togs. Then we skipped our way to the water. We could already see some West Indian Manatee. We could hear a nice breeze. It was going through our hair. There was a beautiful splashing noise which was the waves and the changing tide. I could feel the cold water and the seaweed between my toes. While we were swimming with the West Indian Manatee, I felt a light touch to my arm under the water. I tried to hold my breath under the water to see what it was, and what I saw was amazing to look at. It was a West Indian Manatee touching my arm. When I got back up to the top of the water I saw that Paulah already had a friend which was a West Indian Manatee.

So we fixed it up but this time we showed it instead of telling us and we think ( jin, lynette and me) that we should share our story with use so here is the story that we have did today.

This is our (jin, lyentte and me) writing

On Saturday night, my friend Paulah and I sat under a blanket of warmth which streamed down from the setting sun. In the distance we saw the grey back of what we could only assume was some different kind of mammal. It looked a bit like a mermaid! With excitement, we looked at each other and realised we had the same idea. We pulled our togs quickly out of our bags and whipped them on! Then we skipped our way to the water.

We could hear a fresh calming breeze and it was flowing gently through our hair. There was a beautiful splashing noise which was the waves and the changing tide. I could feel the cold water and the seaweed squelched between my toes.

Suddenly the mermaid-like creature surrounded us.
I could feel a light swift movement brush over my arm. I tried to hold my breath under the water to see what it was, and what I saw was amazing to look at. It was a West Indian Manatee touching my arm.

When I came back up for air I saw that Paulah had a massive grin that had spread across her face. At once, I knew that she had also seen the beautiful creature that I had just witnessed.